I try to remember but it all just blends together.
It’s kinda hard to tell exactly where
the minute hand crosses from afar.

But was I happy?
(Yea, sure. I remember it. Splendidly)

No. Really.
(I don’t know. If I could answer. Truthfully)

But was it worth it?
(I think I’m. Too scared. Of wasting time.
Oh, god. Am I wasting it? Right now?)

Better plan,
to make the most of it.

Better plan,
to plan better in the future

Better plan,
hold off longer,
defer your own reward.

Better plan,
to live better later.

What do you remember?
(Not much. Honestly.)

But were you happy?
(I said “I don’t know,” truthfully.)

If you don’t remember
does it matter?
(I’m seriously unsure.)

What’s in the future?
(Hopefully, happiness.
Currently, hope.)

What’s the point?
(What you mean?)

There’s a future’s future.
-j.maxwell

I never considered myself much of a painter
but I won an art contest once.
Catholic Daughters. 3rd grade.
Theme was “God’s power.”
I drew a watercolor landscape
of mountains. Mountains that I,
growing up in Louisiana,
had never really seen,
but I wanted to.
Still, I sucked at drawing.
Never learned to hold a pencil right.
I quit art by 5th grade.

When I was 15,
I went to Colorado.
I mountain biked.
The mountain was just an obstacle,
an annoyance.
Everyone else enjoyed it,
but the trail was 5 miles too long
and not what I signed up for.
The obligations of elevated ground
didn’t seem worth the effort.

A few summers ago,
I went to the Ozarks to camp.
My friend slipped and fell 70 feet.
I still remember his teeth
rearranged in his mouth
each one pointing
in a different direction
reaffirming my previous notions
about mountains and elevation.
They take and cause pain.

I moved to Santa Barbara
just a few months ago.
The mountains are beautiful,
and I asked a local
how long does it take to
get over that view.
He said in like a month
they’ll just blend in
with the scenery.
I didn’t quite believe,
but they did.
They’re just what is.
I don’t need to be angry.
They don’t affect me.

-j.maxwell

RPG

I think if life were an RPG
I would have made a new character by now.

I thought I was specing in the right things,
but it doesn’t seem to be working out.

I’ve spread myself to thin
now I can’t do anything well.

I could have min/maxed a bit better
I want to try something else.

Maybe a few less points in INT
and a few more in Stability.

A few more points in Science
and a few less in Poetry?

It would probably save a few people
from rolling eyes at this mediocrity.

Just tell me what a reroll costs
and this all can stop existing.

Robert Murtaugh

Yea yea,
More consciously sought distractions
yeild once more to your
millennial pre-life nihilism.

(chants of lifting bootstaps ring out in the backgound,
but Ive never seen anyone use the damn things

Tale as old as time.
Beauty and the Beast shit.
Yea sure, it’s cliche,
but at least it’s well animated.
(Don’t get me started on Emma Watson though , man, the autotune made me sick)

Maybe I’d take the crowd seriously
if they added impecable camera angles
for some sweeping ballroom scene
where they in unison tell me to get a STEM degree

(Too bad I already did))

Whatever,
guess it’s Game of Thrones.
Late to the party, I know,
but I just got my friend’s HBOGO.

But shit, if I have to watch Khalessi bitch
one more time like a spoiled rich kid
until she gets another title for her stupid duck lips
I’ll probably draw one too many analogies
linking feudalism to our current aristocracy
and frankly that makes me feel a little bit crazy
even though I’m probly not far off.

(Fuck, man. I just wanted to kill an hour before work.
Fuck work.
Overeducated, understimulated,
even though I don’t entirely hate it
but im really tired of teaching kids how to estimate
it really ain’t that fucking hard.

(Holy fuck, Aiden, sit in your goddamned seat.
Don make me glue the ground to your goddamned feet.
Don’t make me pull punches-
(No, that sounds weird, see, it’s how we let them buy snacks.)))

Read a book, but
Jesus Christ this guy is rambling.
some pop-sci bullshit,
but still hadn’t explained anything,
Heh, guess we have something in common then,
I should probly just see myself out.
-j.maxwell

Is happiness just an idea someone sold me?
I can’t shake the feeling
there are more important things.

Like accomplishment,
or morality,
or something…

Is it even that important
to be our primary focus?

Because when minds start to wander
they just seek pleasure.

And everything’s a distraction
everything’s a distraction
everything’s a distraction
(from nothing)

NO
Thing is

Your problem isn’t focus.
You’re really good at focusing
on    all    the    wrong    things.

Self-improvement driven by
Self-loathing is a futile spiral,

but for some reason,
I can’t shake the feeling
that whenever you die
you’re supposed to meet the you
who did everything you were supposed to do,

And this “best possible version”
will shake your hand
and show you what you could have become.

This “best version”
always achieved.
Kept hungry.
Never stopped wanting.

Can you blame him?
I mean, if you got everything you ever wanted,
Do you think you’d really want it?

I guess your “best”
is everything but satisfied.

So is that the problem?
Do I want everything?
Is this just a long way to say
something about having and eating cake?

Sure, I don’t know if I’m right about any of this
I don’t even know what I’m seeking.

Happiness? I guess.

Still, I can’t tell if I’m afraid I don’t deserve it,
if I’m afraid I didn’t earn it,
or if I’m worried
dreams aren’t what I hope they’ll be.

But I guess I’m basically asking,
“Do you want to be right or happy?”

Most happy people don’t really know WHY.
Most unhappy people don’t REALLY know why.

I guess, I’m saying
the distinction is irrelevant.

Happiness doesn’t depend on circumstance.
There are happy people in terrible situations.

And maybe, happiness is just an idea someone sold me
to get me to buy things.

I mean
would our society be functioning
without people wanting?

So, should I buy in?
Was it ever real?

Or is emotional quantification
a manipulation
of how I actually feel?

Or maybe, I’ll never be satisfied
until  I’m  satisfied  with  nothing.

You’ll never be satisfied until you’re satisfied with nothing

-j.maxwell