its easier
to remember
it all as
ordeals
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modern industry

I saw a man
in the park today
waking up
early

(there were still bums
on tables
under tables
by benches
sleeping)

taking advantage
of California’s
proclivity
for recycling

and I had just finished
drinking my Diet Coke

when I saw him walk under a different tree
and he wasnt paying attention
I placed the empty can
on top of the bin

I suppose
I could have given it to him

I dont know why I didnt
it wasnt a danger thing
I wasnt worried

It would have been awkward
if he asked for money
I had change in my pocket
for laundry
and hate lying

I was more worried hed see me
as the typical
up-your-ass-self-righteous-
holier-than-thou-SoCal-yuppie
who did an act of “charity”
due to their “enlightened”
state of being

either way
he saw it
probably
saw me
thought what he wanted
and grabbed it

I saved us both an awkward conversation
and him a rummage through the bin

he didn’t need to talk to me
the man was busy

j.maxwell

Robert Murtaugh

Yea yea,
More consciously sought distractions
yeild once more to your
millennial pre-life nihilism.

(chants of lifting bootstaps ring out in the backgound,
but Ive never seen anyone use the damn things

Tale as old as time.
Beauty and the Beast shit.
Yea sure, it’s cliche,
but at least it’s well animated.
(Don’t get me started on Emma Watson though , man, the autotune made me sick)

Maybe I’d take the crowd seriously
if they added impecable camera angles
for some sweeping ballroom scene
where they in unison tell me to get a STEM degree

(Too bad I already did))

Whatever,
guess it’s Game of Thrones.
Late to the party, I know,
but I just got my friend’s HBOGO.

But shit, if I have to watch Khalessi bitch
one more time like a spoiled rich kid
until she gets another title for her stupid duck lips
I’ll probably draw one too many analogies
linking feudalism to our current aristocracy
and frankly that makes me feel a little bit crazy
even though I’m probly not far off.

(Fuck, man. I just wanted to kill an hour before work.
Fuck work.
Overeducated, understimulated,
even though I don’t entirely hate it
but im really tired of teaching kids how to estimate
it really ain’t that fucking hard.

(Holy fuck, Aiden, sit in your goddamned seat.
Don make me glue the ground to your goddamned feet.
Don’t make me pull punches-
(No, that sounds weird, see, it’s how we let them buy snacks.)))

Read a book, but
Jesus Christ this guy is rambling.
some pop-sci bullshit,
but still hadn’t explained anything,
Heh, guess we have something in common then,
I should probly just see myself out.
-j.maxwell

Is happiness just an idea someone sold me?
I can’t shake the feeling
there are more important things.

Like accomplishment,
or morality,
or something…

Is it even that important
to be our primary focus?

Because when minds start to wander
they just seek pleasure.

And everything’s a distraction
everything’s a distraction
everything’s a distraction
(from nothing)

NO
Thing is

Your problem isn’t focus.
You’re really good at focusing
on    all    the    wrong    things.

Self-improvement driven by
Self-loathing is a futile spiral,

but for some reason,
I can’t shake the feeling
that whenever you die
you’re supposed to meet the you
who did everything you were supposed to do,

And this “best possible version”
will shake your hand
and show you what you could have become.

This “best version”
always achieved.
Kept hungry.
Never stopped wanting.

Can you blame him?
I mean, if you got everything you ever wanted,
Do you think you’d really want it?

I guess your “best”
is everything but satisfied.

So is that the problem?
Do I want everything?
Is this just a long way to say
something about having and eating cake?

Sure, I don’t know if I’m right about any of this
I don’t even know what I’m seeking.

Happiness? I guess.

Still, I can’t tell if I’m afraid I don’t deserve it,
if I’m afraid I didn’t earn it,
or if I’m worried
dreams aren’t what I hope they’ll be.

But I guess I’m basically asking,
“Do you want to be right or happy?”

Most happy people don’t really know WHY.
Most unhappy people don’t REALLY know why.

I guess, I’m saying
the distinction is irrelevant.

Happiness doesn’t depend on circumstance.
There are happy people in terrible situations.

And maybe, happiness is just an idea someone sold me
to get me to buy things.

I mean
would our society be functioning
without people wanting?

So, should I buy in?
Was it ever real?

Or is emotional quantification
a manipulation
of how I actually feel?

Or maybe, I’ll never be satisfied
until  I’m  satisfied  with  nothing.

You’ll never be satisfied until you’re satisfied with nothing

-j.maxwell

3.14.09

I think it was 4 years ago
back when we were brutish youths,
We drank Takka
and it wasn’t that bad
And we had to blow up
your air mattress with our lungs
Because we feared the pump
would wake your parents.
I remember lying on it
felt like I was on a boat
And I was sure I’d fall off
by morning (which I did).
We watched the Onion Movie
and stayed up too late
To wish you a happy birthday.

3.14.17

I’m glad to say,
we’ve remained friends
without much friction.
We switched from Takka
to trendy craft beer
(and shitty bulk beer)
and fancy cocktails
at a trendy bar
(instead of the local park.)

But somehow,
I still end up sleeping
on makeshift cushions.

I fell off by morning.

Some things never change.

-j.maxwell