I was in an emotionally abusive relationship,

but all of my friends don’t understand the extent.

I’d even agree I have minor culpability

for using the stock reply provided me by toxic masculinity:

“Oh dude, she’s crazy.”

Which means typically,

“She didn’t let me party and got mad she ditched her on Thanksgiving.”

But here reads,

“I’m not sure exactly, but something vaguely cluster B that left me feeling worthless with little self-esteem, and the realization I hadn’t actually dealt with anything emotionally which caused me to further sequester and was quite isolating, and there was also the time she threatened to use my nudes, but I don’t remember exactly what the hell I had to do to deserve the threat even as a ruse. Scarier part is sometimes I still think I deserve it. Even after she cheated at least two times, possibly more, but not like I’m trying to keep score.”

And probably, I don’t want to be seen as vulnerable or something

or maybe typing this out once was tiring enough and I don’t want to remember all of the stuff.

The weakness, the guilt, the shame.

I’m still embarrassed, and I didn’t do anything wrong. I still feel like I deserved it.

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I cleared out the email attached to this blog.

Thousands of new posts WordPress needed to share.

Over a year, receiving robotic notes,

and nothing else.

Moral Superposition

I read the other day

92% of people think

they’re much more moral

than most other people.

Do you think they just gloss over

all their minor transgressions

and minor suggestions

they received on how to be nicer?

All I know is I can’t monitor my tone,

and I should probably get better

at picking up the phone,

and I should definitely roll my eyes less.

So many little lessons

I’m so bad at implementation,

but at least now nightly water glasses

don’t crowd either of our nightstands.

I think I started this poem

as some form of self-validation

like thinking I’m worse

somehow makes me better.

At least I remember what

superposition is

and how it relates

to my conscience.

92% of the time,

I think I’m much worse than I am,

but I really can’t tell

if that puts me with 8% of people.